This is a hard post to write. I’m a bit ashamed at how I’ve been feeling lately, and this post certainly doesn’t paint me in the best light. But please read it all the way through because if I start out sounding like a selfish asshole, by the end you’ll find me to at least be a self-aware selfish asshole …?
A big part of me doesn’t even want to publish this because I know the stress and negativity of the last few weeks will be completely forgotten the moment race day arrives and all that’ll remain in my memory is the positive parts of the experience. But as pessimistic and selfish as this post is going to make me out to be, I’d feel phony if I painted this out to be sunshine and roses. I’ve cried more in the past three weeks than I have in the last three years. I’ve wasted a ridiculous number of hours stewing in regret. And, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I’ve even tried to back out of this commitment. I frantically typed an email to the team organizer, tears brimming the edges of my eyes, all but begging her to give my bib to someone else.
And it has nothing to do with the running.
That brief knee injury aside, I’ve been amazed at how naturally my body has adapted to the long distances. My 21-mile run the other weekend didn’t even feel challenging. Um WHAT?! Tackling 26.2 miles honestly feels so doable to me right now that I don’t have an ounce of worry or apprehension about race day. It’s going to be fun!
So why am I stress-eating, battling constant anxiety and calling my mom in tears every other day?
The fundraising. (On the surface, anyway.)
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so utterly defeated and overwhelmed. I knew it would be a challenge to raise $7,500, but what I didn’t anticipate was how crawl-out-of-my-skin uncomfortable fundraising would make me feel. To say asking people for money and support is out of my comfort zone is a pathetic understatement. I feel annoying. I feel like I’m pestering people. Everything feels so forced. I’m not exaggerating when I say it physically exhausts me to even just send an email soliciting donations. It’s like it conflicts with my core nature and who I am as a person but … WTF? It’s for charity! Why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong??!
I am so caught off guard at how negatively this whole fundraising mission has affected the way I feel. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I let the fundraising stress become so all-consuming that I was finding it hard to feel excited for next Monday–all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait for it to all be over.
GET A FUCKING GRIP, GIRL.
It is a fact that I am prone to dramatic downward spirals of negative thinking. I go 0 to The World Is Ending real quick. A little leak of negativity into my mind and suddenly every single pessimistic scenario is playing out rapid-fire. All very unnecessary. I know this is be true about myself and I’m aware that by controlling these negative thoughts, I can control how I’m feeling.
I’m also aware of how negative thought patterns like this tend to become all-consuming to the point where my worldview becomes myopic and selfishness becomes a default. Everything feels like it’s happening to me and I start seeing the negative in everything. Basically, I become a huge dick. I mean read this post! “I feel this way,” “I feel that way,” I, I, me, me … Girlfriend, you’re running for a charity as a guide. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
Learning to control my negative thinking and become a happier, more optimistic and grateful person is something I’ve been constantly working on since struggling with depression in college. And I’ve come so far! I’ve realized though that the stress of this fundraising challenge has triggered a bit of reverting to old ways.
Thank God for that realization.
I’m not looking at this marathon as a physical challenge anymore. It’s 100% mental/emotional. Can I stop the negativity? Can I focus on the positive and, through optimistic thoughts and gratitude, start to feel better about the whole experience–the way I should be feeling? I think the answer is “yes.” I’ve started to be proactive about this and am making my attitude adjustment my number-one priority going into race day. Daily meditation has been huge (I’ve been using the Headspace app–highly recommend it). Yoga has been helping, too, with its constant reminder to live in the moment and be present. Writing has always been therapeutic to me so I’ve been keeping a daily journal as well in which I write down only positive updates. I’ve officially slowed the downward spiral of my mind and am, day by day, getting my head back on straight with this whole marathon experience.
If you’re rolling your eyes at the last paragraph … I know. It sounds cheesy and even a bit melodramatic but what a shame it’d be if I let myself ruin this amazing experience! The marathon is serving an important purpose: It’s reminding me that I need to make mental health a priority–at times even before physical health. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m banging out 21-mile runs with unwarranted ease yet falling apart at the seams in tears at the smallest fundraising task. I think it’s the Universe trying to get my attention and put me in check.
Another eye-roll-worthy sentence. I know, I know. I believe in that shit though! And I really am seeing personal growth come from this meltdown. It’s gotten me to meditate regularly–something I’ve wanted to start doing for years–and it’s given me a whole new appreciation for the world of fundraising. I will no longer brush off invitations to donate to a vague Facebook friend’s raffle or attend a charity event. Now that I know what it’s like to be the one responsible for hitting a certain monetary goal, I will do everything I possibly can to help. You need someone to teach a charity fitness class for your school fundraiser? I’m your girl. Looking to fill the last seat of your charity comedy show? I’ll be there. You need to buy your Girl Scout cookies? Dammit, twist my arm, I’ll take 10 boxes of Thin Mints. (Oh the altruism!)
I have until the end of May to reach my fundraising goal so my focus right now is just to enjoy marathon weekend, stay positive and not even think about the money until afterwards. It’s really not as big of a deal as I’ve been making it out to be. I’m hosting a charity ride at Recycle this Saturday that I’m really excited about, and after that, it’s out of mind until after the race. And when I do bring it back to mind, I’m going to focus on the good that will be done with the money I raise, not on the hardship of raising it. In other words I’ll, ya know, stop being a self-consumed shitbag. 😉
———
Phewwwf what a blog post! Sorry for the emotional dump, but writing this was cathartic–I’m glad I did. And it’s good you know how I’ve been feeling behind the highlight reel of social media because I’ve honestly felt a twinge of phoniness and inauthenticity with every woo-hoo-look-at-me-crushing-my-long-run-everything-is-perfect Instagram I post. Yeah the runs have been great, but then I go home and have a meltdown, eating everything in our kitchen while curled in the fetal position weeping and texting Joe cryptic, melodramatic messages imploring him to leave work early.
That last part was an exaggeration. Maybe.
Before I end this post, I can’t reiterate enough that these negative feelings are in no way a reflection of Team With A Vision. God no. TWAV has been amazing–everyone involved has been so kind, their mission is amazing, and being chosen to run as a guide is an absolute honor.
Enjoy your weekend, everyone! I look forward to sharing positive, excitement-filled updates with you as I enter into marathon week!! 🙂
Hey there! I'm Nicole, a group fitness instructor, healthy lifestyle blogger (you probably figured that one out by now) and Certified Personal Trainer living in Boston, MA.
Not sure what your faith is, but in my quiet time this morning, one of the devotionals I read spoke to what you are writing about in this blog. The site is http://www.First15.org
May be a good read this weekend as you are preparing mentally for your run. Best of luck and look forward to hearing about your experience.
This is exactly what I experienced! When I was given the opportunity for a charity place in Barcelona marathon I jumped at the chance. However I had to pledge to raise a set target for the charity. I completely underestimated how hard fundraising was! The charity I was signed up with wasn’t for a cause that I would have chosen (in hindsight after learning more about them through my journey I think they are a wonderful and worthy charity) making it even harder to ask people.
Eventually I made the target with a lot of stress, hard work and help from friends and family. The training and marathon ended up being the easier part haha!
So I completely understand how you feel and wish you the best of luck in reaching your target.
Best wishes
It sounds like you’re an Awfulizer (I am too!). I highly suggest listening to the Happiness Project(Happier with Gretchen Rubin) podcast episode about it (Ep 57: The Awful Habit of Awfulizing).
Good luck on Monday!
I know you feel over dramatic for posting this, but I think a lot of people can relate. I absolutely hate fundraising, and always have, I have all the same feelings about it that you do. I admire your willingness to push through anyway because I think you’ll grow because of it (or never volunteer to fundraiser ever again like I have) and your openness in sharing. I think it’s awesome you’re taking the time to take care of yourself as you work through this.
I can totally understand why you’re feeling this way and don’t think you’re selfish at all. Marathon training taxes the mind as much as it does the body since your mind is all about training for so many months. To have another big thing, and especially a big thing that yo’re not comfortable doing, tacked on would be very stressful. I also believe in all that cheesy stuff (straight from The Secret!) and it sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to do to change your frequency by focusing on the positives. Good luck!
HELLO,
I work in non-profit and this blog/podcast is a great resource for dealing with the traps involves with fundraising:
http://www.joangarry.com/category/podcast/
“You know what’s intimidating? Asking for money. Even experienced fundraising professionals feel that way. So how do you feel if you’re a board member or volunteer? Fundraising isn’t even what you do for a living!
In our inaugural episode of our new podcast, Nonprofits Are Messy, fundraiser extraordinaire Seth Rosen (who is also my Senior Associate) and I discuss concrete ways that nonprofit leaders and volunteers can ask for money without panic and fear.”
Good luck!
No eye rolling here, Nicole. Be honest. Be you. Proud of you. Go run strong. Everything else will work out! 🙂
LOVE the honesty! So glad you’re killing it with the runs but bummed you feel frustrated with the other half. Sending prayers, love & light your way! You’ll hit your goal AND do awesome in the marathon. Keep your head up, girl!!!
xox,
Kristin
http://www.amidwesternmix.com
Thank you for your honesty. So refreshing. I know it could not have been easy to write this post, and I give you a lot of credit. We all feel this way at times. At least I know I do. Putting it out there is brave. Sending you positive vibes and best of luck. xo Lauren
Can totally relate. I ran my first marathon with Team In Training and had to raise $3200. That’s only half (actually less than half) of what you have to raise, and I was super stressed about it! I think the way you’re approaching it, by being self-aware, is really helpful. I also felt like I was pestering people, but eventually my reminders of “This isn’t actually for me” sunk in and I realized that if people thought I was annoying because I was trying to raise money to find a cure for cancer, then they were probably the shit bags, and not me. I mean, half of my facebook feed is trying to recruit me to sell their Beachbody crap, so why do I feel weird asking for money that’s actually going to a cause and not someone’s paycheck? That said, I’ll digress now, before I get angrier (BB does that to me).
What you’re doing is AWESOME, and even though it’s stressful now, it’s going to feel so amazing when you reach your goal and realize how appreciative the charity is of your hard work. Keep it up girl! Also I’m jealous you’re crushing your runs because the first time I ran 21 miles I felt like I would never walk again 🙂
I ran the NYC Marathon with Team in Training (Leukemia Lymphoma Society) and totally know the struggle and I only had to fundraise about $3500 to race. It can be super awkward to reach out to people (this is why I hated being a personal trainer at a big box gym). I know for TNT the coaches offer a ton of fundraising advice and help to those that were struggling to reach their fundraising goal.
Definitely not worth stressing about during taper though, taper is all about getting in the zone and mentally preparing for the run- nothing else! You’ve got this.
I ABSOLUTELY felt the same way and vowed never to do a charity race again (now how’s that for selfish). I realized I can give in so many other ways, that this wasn’t for me…and it’s totally ok! Good luck and enjoy the weekend!
I would LOVE to run Boston someday, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to qualify, but I just can’t stand the thought of having to fundraise that much. I get exactly what you are saying – the idea of having to pester people for money makes my skin crawl. Until I can afford to just pay for it myself (HAHA) I just don’t think I can do it. GOOD LUCK!
Don’t feel ashamed at all. I love all your posts but especially ones like this because they’re real and relatable. I can get in that 0 to OMG the world is ending negative mindset too so sometimes it’s comforting to read others’ stories. Hang in there and I’m sure you’ll reach your $7500 goal!
I totally and completely understand how you feel. Last year I took part in the Pan-Mass Challenge and of course went with the go big or go home approach. I chose the longest route (192 miles) with the highest fundraising amount ($4500). The ride was nothing compared to the fundraising. I had anxiety, stress, and just was overwhelmed EVERY DAY leading up to it knowing that if I didn’t get donations I’d be footing the bill. As much as I wish I had the money to just hand over, I didn’t. So I worked my butt off, used Facebook, emails, letters, collected cans, sold T-Shirts, held dine-to-donate events, paint & sip events. You name it, I did it. Did I reach my minimum? Nope! I was $470 short BUT looking back do I regret it? NOPE! Not in the least, it was by far the coolest and most rewarding experience I have had in my life up to this point and was worth every penny. You have a great platform and many resources that you are able to take advantage of so I really think you will be fine. However, if you do come up short I ensure you that the experience will make all of it seem worth it and you will make it work. I agree that taking some time beforehand to focus on the more positive aspects of the experience is a good idea. Just take in every little part of the day and understand that what you are doing is AMAZING. Good luck!
I love your honesty. I think you are too hard on yourself: what you are doing is difficult! I hate fundraising for the same reasons you listed. You are not a self-consumed shitbag–you are a human being facing real challenges. I’m glad this writing was cathartic for you and I know you are going to feel so great on the other side of this experience. Thanks for hanging in there and continuing to share your journey with us!
I love this post. You’re normal and relatable and imperfect. And you put it out there for the world to see. That’s brave. I also struggle with asking people for help, donations, etc. Not fundraising related, but I recently had a baby and I really struggled with asking for help with daily activities while I adjusted to motherhood of 2. It stressed me out and I lashed out and I cried. A lot. Meditating, positive thinking, time & running got me through it. I cannot wait to read about race day! Keep up the hard work!
Thank you so much, Jes! <3
This is spot on how I felt fundraising for Dana Farber when I ran Boston in 2013! Panic attacks, random crying fits, all of it, because of that fundraising goal. Something about asking people for money feel SO wrong – I had to keep reminding myself over and over that it was not for me but for cancer, a cause that everyone can relate to.
You are doing an amazing thing and I promise it will all be worth it in the end. Finishing that race was the best moment of my life to date (although I am not planning on doing it again… ever haha).
good luck!
Thank you for this comment–I know it’ll all be worth it in the end, but it’s still reassuring to know I’m not alone in feeling this way!
Oh wow, I share your feeling on this! I am running a dinky marathon (in comparison to Boston) and I decided to raise $250 for a local charity. I was sweating it and just recently sent a plea out to my Facebook friends, which got me the rest of the money. And that is just tiny compared to your goal! I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, and hoping the stress dies down for you. I BQ’d for 2016, but got cut from running, so I thought for a minute about going the charity route, but it was too big of a commitment for me. Kudos to you for taking on this goal, and I look forward to your race recap after next weekend 🙂
Just found this post on twitter and don’t usually comment on blogs but I can totally relate!
My first triathlon several years ago was through Team in Training. I love doing charity work and loved their mission so I was happy to fundraise….in the beginning. I had no idea how hard it would be and felt horrible asking people to donate after a couple months. In fact, I felt like people avoided me because they were scared I would ask them. So after I had pretty much tapped out my friends and family, I decided to do bake sales and solicit companies. The bake sales went pretty well but putting them on was a task and stressful. Soliciting companies didn’t yield anything because apparently some companies have donation/charitable contribution deadlines and I missed them. In the end I didn’t meet my fundraising goal and had to come out of pocket with the remainder which was almost $1000.00. That was a big deal for me at the time.
Because of that experience I have never committed to fundraising large sums of money for race entries again. I have continued to support that charity and numerous others but on my own terms and in ways that I can afford to do so.
I do NOT think that you are being selfish at all. Training for a big race is time consuming and tough and throwing in fundraising is an added stress that can push anyone over the edge.
Try reaching out to local grocery and retail stores like Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Target and see if they would be willing to donate a portion of the day’s sales to you. You could also try sporting goods store.
Good luck on the race and I hope you make your fundraising goal.
That’s such a good idea about reaching out to grocery stores–thank you!! I’m shifting my focus to businesses like that because I’m at that point where I no longer feel comfortable asking friends & family for support so this is perfect! 🙂
I hear ya! I don’t want to do the Susan G Komen 3-day walk again for the same reason. Fundraising was easy for me when I did it but don’t want to ask for money again from the same people.
Totally understand the awkward feeling of asking for money (even if it is for a good cause it’s always weird) I felt the same way at times last year when I ran Boston as a charity runner as well! Don’t forget about other local businesses that would LOVE to help you out. Think local small business or even your favorite bar/restaurant/coffee shop where the manager probably recognizes you and knows you’re legit. GOOD LUCK! You’ve got this!!!!
I fundraised to run the 2011 Boston Marathon and felt a lot of this same anxiety! And since then, I always donate $26.20 to every friend fundraising for something. Really appreciate your honesty in sharing this too–it seems like the blogosphere is so “whee! everything is perrrrrrrrfect!”, which sets up unrealistic ideals about always having to be sunshine and roses and kittens crapping out rainbows.
I’ve found myself doing the same thing–any time a random Facebook friend has posted about a fundraiser lately I’m like girrrrrl I feel your pain and donate immediately haha
I just donated 🙂 Don’t feel bad about your post. I do not run for charity since I experience the same feelings! My running buddy and I wanted to run for a charity and help guide disabled athletes but we could not afford the $6k each. Totally broke our hearts 🙁
You got this! Be #BostonStrong
PS- I ran Boston in both 2012 and 2015. Most amazing experience of my life!
You rock for writing this. I’ve read your blog for a while and never thought to comment but it’s awesome that you keep it real and I want to tell you that as a reader of I appreciate it. It’s all golden to have fitness inspo and good writing, but authenticity always wins. Keep trusting yourself.
Thanks, Rachel–this comment means a lot! 🙂
I completely get it! The idea of raising such vast sums of money has completely put me off attempting some really cool races as I’d feel so awkward fundraising when it’s really all about me having an opportunity to do something fun – I struggle to justify asking people for money for that. But forget about it, you’ve done brilliantly in your training so now just enjoy the event! Good luck and happy running!
just please don’t start a go fund me page!
and i don’t mean to say i told you so but that’s what i said to myself because i really would love to run boston, i could probably work really hard to qualify but i know people who work for charities that would give me a bib knowing i would need to raise 10,000$ and i just don’t want to be in the same boat as you (and apparently so many of your readers) i really dislike asking people for money
i hope it works out for you. i appreciate your honesty
This post was really refreshing. Don’t feel like you’re being a self centered asshole because we all have those times and I think it’s totally ok and even makes you more human. I’m glad to hear meditation has been helping you because I’m trying to make it a habit, too. Enjoy your run (you’re going to rock it!!) and I’m sure everything else will fall into place.
Ugh the fundraising aspect. I can’t imagine how stressful it is, but at the same time, I feel like everyone I know is running a marathon, doing the Avon walk, shaving off their hair of St. Baldrick’s, etc. etc. that it’s overwhelming to be on the other side too. There’s only so much money to go around to fund friend’s athletic fundraisers. I’m terrible at asking for money too, which is why I don’t participate in a lot of these things. I used to work the phonathon for my college as a work study job and I always ended up asking for less money than I was supposed to haha It’s a tough thing to do! And I don’t blame you for being overwhelmed, $7,500 is a LOT of money. I don’t think you have anything to apologize for and don’t think you’re selfish at all.
On the bright side, race day is SO MUCH FUN (as you obviously know living here), and the weather is going to be int he 60s which is PERFECT for Patriot’s Day 🙂 Good luck! I work in Copley so maybe I’ll see you cross the finish line!
I know–I’ve been eyeing that forecast and rejoicing! Fingers crossed it holds up! 🙂
I don’t normally comment on posts or blogs, but just wanted to say that I loved this post for its honesty but I did NOT love all the apologising! It sounds like you feel so ashamed of how stressed and miserable the fundraising has made you feel but there’s absolutely no reason to feel like you need to apologise to your readers or anyone else in your life about that! Feeling overwhelmed by attempting to raise such a large amount of money doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you normal- as all the other comments here prove. I personally would never ever do anything like this for charity because, frankly, just the thought of putting myself through the stress of raising funds horrifies me. Now who’s selfish!? You’re doing an amazing thing and, as I said, do not apologise for the way this process has affected you. You’re a human being, not a robot! It’s okay to feel like shit sometimes- whatever the reason!
Really pleased you’ve found some strategies for dealing with your negative thoughts and feelings. I personally go for chocolate and icecream. Meditation sounds far more constructive!
Good luck for the marathon, not that I think you need it. Looking forward to the post marathon update.
Ps, since I’m here, I love your blog and all your workouts. Definitely my favourite health and fitness blog.
Thank you so much for this, Teresa–you’re absolutely right about the over-apologizing! And don’t worry there have been plenty of chocolates and ice cream along with the meditation… 😉
Now you need to give us the fundraising link again so we can help!! I’ve certainly done enough workouts from your site to throw a couple $$ your way from saved Exhale Class Pass etc fees 🙂 Also don’t blame you for being overwhelmed – I had to raise a much smaller slice of that for a charity event and felt so awkward asking people. BUT I did end up feeling like they really are happy to help (even if you need to remind them once or twice – which in the moment feels like the.ab.so.lute.worst.). Sounds like you’re doing something similar with your cycling class but I’ve been to a couple auction/raffle/happy hour type marathon fundraising things and those are always fun — a good way to get together with friends you’ve likely been trying to make plans with anyway, and people feel like they’re getting something and not just handing out cash. I bought $60 worth of raffle tickets at the last one and won a $10 JP Licks gift card and felt totally psyched!
You’re so sweet, Bonnie! Here’s the link: crowdrise.com/TeamWithAVisionBoston2016/fundraiser/nicoleperr And I love the idea of a happy hour! I have until the end of May to fundraise so that could be a perfect event as the warmer weather rolls in. 🙂
I know how hard it can be to raise money for an event that many people just don’t get. I raised $3500 for a TNT event years ago, so I totally relate. It is a dream for me to be able to run Boston with this specific team.
That being said I feel like you have to engage. I always go to friends events, but when I’m just being asked for donations I want a reason. Why are they running for this organization?
I would love to donate to you, but I’d love to know why you’re running for this particular cause. My husband is blind, he lost his vision as a pre teen, and he still has had some great success in life due to the educational support he received from many MA agencies. Many of these things would not be as available without fundraising.
Good luck tomorrow!
I totally agree, Kelly! The engagement is so important and that personal connection to this charity honestly didn’t fully click until marathon weekend. I wrote all about it in today’s blog post: https://pumpsandiron.com/2016/04/20/marathon-weekend-in-boston/ <3