This is a hard post to write. I’m a bit ashamed at how I’ve been feeling lately, and this post certainly doesn’t paint me in the best light. But please read it all the way through because if I start out sounding like a selfish asshole, by the end you’ll find me to at least be a self-aware selfish asshole …?

A big part of me doesn’t even want to publish this because I know the stress and negativity of the last few weeks will be completely forgotten the moment race day arrives and all that’ll remain in my memory is the positive parts of the experience. But as pessimistic and selfish as this post is going to make me out to be, I’d feel phony if I painted this out to be sunshine and roses. I’ve cried more in the past three weeks than I have in the last three years. I’ve wasted a ridiculous number of hours stewing in regret. And, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I’ve even tried to back out of this commitment. I frantically typed an email to the team organizer, tears brimming the edges of my eyes, all but begging her to give my bib to someone else.

And it has nothing to do with the running.

That brief knee injury aside, I’ve been amazed at how naturally my body has adapted to the long distances. My 21-mile run the other weekend didn’t even feel challenging. Um WHAT?! Tackling 26.2 miles honestly feels so doable to me right now that I don’t have an ounce of worry or apprehension about race day. It’s going to be fun!

So why am I stress-eating, battling constant anxiety and calling my mom in tears every other day?

The fundraising. (On the surface, anyway.)

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so utterly defeated and overwhelmed. I knew it would be a challenge to raise $7,500, but what I didn’t anticipate was how crawl-out-of-my-skin uncomfortable fundraising would make me feel. To say asking people for money and support is out of my comfort zone is a pathetic understatement. I feel annoying. I feel like I’m pestering people. Everything feels so forced. I’m not exaggerating when I say it physically exhausts me to even just send an email soliciting donations. It’s like it conflicts with my core nature and who I am as a person but … WTF? It’s for charity! Why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong??!

I am so caught off guard at how negatively this whole fundraising mission has affected the way I feel. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I let the fundraising stress become so all-consuming that I was finding it hard to feel excited for next Monday–all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait for it to all be over.

GET A FUCKING GRIP, GIRL.

It is a fact that I am prone to dramatic downward spirals of negative thinking. I go 0 to The World Is Ending real quick. A little leak of negativity into my mind and suddenly every single pessimistic scenario is playing out rapid-fire. All very unnecessary. I know this is be true about myself and I’m aware that by controlling these negative thoughts, I can control how I’m feeling.

I’m also aware of how negative thought patterns like this tend to become all-consuming to the point where my worldview becomes myopic and selfishness becomes a default. Everything feels like it’s happening to me and I start seeing the negative in everything. Basically, I become a huge dick. I mean read this post! “I feel this way,” “I feel that way,” I, I, me, me … Girlfriend, you’re running for a charity as a guide. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Learning to control my negative thinking and become a happier, more optimistic and grateful person is something I’ve been constantly working on since struggling with depression in college. And I’ve come so far! I’ve realized though that the stress of this fundraising challenge has triggered a bit of reverting to old ways.

Thank God for that realization.

I’m not looking at this marathon as a physical challenge anymore. It’s 100% mental/emotional. Can I stop the negativity? Can I focus on the positive and, through optimistic thoughts and gratitude, start to feel better about the whole experience–the way I should be feeling? I think the answer is “yes.” I’ve started to be proactive about this and am making my attitude adjustment my number-one priority going into race day. Daily meditation has been huge (I’ve been using the Headspace app–highly recommend it). Yoga has been helping, too, with its constant reminder to live in the moment and be present. Writing has always been therapeutic to me so I’ve been keeping a daily journal as well in which I write down only positive updates. I’ve officially slowed the downward spiral of my mind and am, day by day, getting my head back on straight with this whole marathon experience.

If you’re rolling your eyes at the last paragraph … I know. It sounds cheesy and even a bit melodramatic but what a shame it’d be if I let myself ruin this amazing experience! The marathon is serving an important purpose: It’s reminding me that I need to make mental health a priority–at times even before physical health. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m banging out 21-mile runs with unwarranted ease yet falling apart at the seams in tears at the smallest fundraising task. I think it’s the Universe trying to get my attention and put me in check.

Another eye-roll-worthy sentence. I know, I know. I believe in that shit though! And I really am seeing personal growth come from this meltdown. It’s gotten me to meditate regularly–something I’ve wanted to start doing for years–and it’s given me a whole new appreciation for the world of fundraising. I will no longer brush off invitations to donate to a vague Facebook friend’s raffle or attend a charity event. Now that I know what it’s like to be the one responsible for hitting a certain monetary goal, I will do everything I possibly can to help. You need someone to teach a charity fitness class for your school fundraiser? I’m your girl. Looking to fill the last seat of your charity comedy show? I’ll be there. You need to buy your Girl Scout cookies? Dammit, twist my arm, I’ll take 10 boxes of Thin Mints. (Oh the altruism!)

I have until the end of May to reach my fundraising goal so my focus right now is just to enjoy marathon weekend, stay positive and not even think about the money until afterwards. It’s really not as big of a deal as I’ve been making it out to be. I’m hosting a charity ride at Recycle this Saturday that I’m really excited about, and after that, it’s out of mind until after the race. And when I do bring it back to mind, I’m going to focus on the good that will be done with the money I raise, not on the hardship of raising it. In other words I’ll, ya know, stop being a self-consumed shitbag. 😉

———

Phewwwf what a blog post! Sorry for the emotional dump, but writing this was cathartic–I’m glad I did. And it’s good you know how I’ve been feeling behind the highlight reel of social media because I’ve honestly felt a twinge of phoniness and inauthenticity with every woo-hoo-look-at-me-crushing-my-long-run-everything-is-perfect Instagram I post. Yeah the runs have been great, but then I go home and have a meltdown, eating everything in our kitchen while curled in the fetal position weeping and texting Joe cryptic, melodramatic messages imploring him to leave work early.

That last part was an exaggeration. Maybe.

Before I end this post, I can’t reiterate enough that these negative feelings are in no way a reflection of Team With A Vision. God no. TWAV has been amazing–everyone involved has been so kind, their mission is amazing, and being chosen to run as a guide is an absolute honor. 

Enjoy your weekend, everyone! I look forward to sharing positive, excitement-filled updates with you as I enter into marathon week!! 🙂

Time for another marathon training update! Ever since my knee injury, its been going great. Aside from weekly long runs, I’m actually doing very little running, focusing on cross training, yoga and injury prevention. It’s turning out to be just what my body needs.

Adding to the success of my training regime is a newly lightened teaching schedule. I’m now just at Btone three mornings a week and, as bittersweet as it is to leave, taught my last classes at Burn this past Friday morning. I now have more time to focus on making this blog the great site I want it to be, and more energy to direct towards training and my own workouts.

And before we get to the recap, can we talk about how inspirational my running partner for the marathon is?! Read this. Gives me goosebumps.

WEEK 13 RECAP

MONDAY | Spin (Recycle)

TUESDAY | Run 4 Miles + Yoga

WEDNESDAY | Boxing (The Club)

THURSDAY | Run 2 Miles + Core Workout from blog + Yoga

FRIDAY | Rest

SATURDAY | Run 18 Miles

My longest run so far felt amazing! Surprisingly amazing, actually. I had so much energy afterwards and was barely sore the next day!

I’m nicoleperr on Snapchat

I was going to take the commuter rail out to mile 8 of the marathon course and run home from there but I messed up the train schedule. Instead, I took the green line out to the Woodlawn stop (mile 17) and ran the last 9 miles of the course plus two semi-loops around the Charles River to bring the mileage up to my needed 18. 

At the start of training, I opted to keep my weekends open and complete my long runs on Mondays, but I’m so glad I’ve changed that. If you’re lucky enough to train for Boston in Boston, the Saturday morning long runs are not to be missed. I can’t even believe how many runners are out along the course! Charities and local retailers even set up water and gatorade stands along the route that anyone can take advantage of–the running community here is seriously nothing short of amazing.

SUNDAY | Gentle Yoga

WEEK 14 RECAP

MONDAY | Easy Strength Training (Life in Synergy) + Run 3 Miles

TUESDAY | Strength Train (Btone) + Spin (Recycle)

WEDNESDAY | Strength Train (HIIT Workout from blog)

THURSDAY | Run 4 Miles + Yoga

FRIDAY | Rest

SATURDAY | Run 13 Miles

Soooo I’m a fair-weather runner. Also a fair-weather fan of Boston sports teams since I’m on the topic of calling myself out. I had actually registered to run the New Bedford Half Marathon on Sunday but when I saw snow in the forecast I immediately said hellz no and changed plans, doing my long run on Saturday close to home. Why make things miserable if they don’t have to be? It didn’t end up snowing yesterday but I’m still happy to have done my run in 40-degree weather rather than 30.

SUNDAY | Yoga

And here we are today with less than a month until Marathon Monday!!

Spin Class & Cocktails for a Cause

As a reminder to any local readers, I’m hosting a charity spin class followed by cocktails and raffles at Recycle Studio in the South End this Saturday to raise money for MABVI, the charity with which I’m running the marathon. Event details can be found HERE. I would love to see you there! 🙂

I know a lot of you have been enjoying seeing a daily breakdown of my workouts, and I will return to that leading up to the marathon, but since it’s been a hot minute since my last update, I’m just going to give you the general idea of what’s been happening.

I left off my last update with happy news–after spending almost two weeks nursing a knee injury, I had gone for a short run and felt great. I was back in action!

LOLZ. Nope.

No exaggeration, a mere couple hours after I hit publish on that post I was standing around with my friend watching the Super Bowl and my knee started to throb and swell back up out of nowhere. Was it from the brief run I had done earlier? Was it from standing on it for a prolonged period of time? Was it the two beers I had? Was it bad karma for all the times I hid in the woods during cross-country practice in high school? Am I now doomed to never finish a marathon because I was a corner-cutting punk during my early running career?? That must be it. Sonofabitch.

Luckily the swelling went down after some icing and elevation and didn’t return. Still, I didn’t want to risk really injuring myself so I took yet another week off from running. After some motivational self talks, I felt good about the decision because there’s a big difference between taking a week off from running and a week off from training, and I definitely was still training. I did yoga almost every single day that week. I was loving megaformer workouts because of how effectively they challenge lateral movement (good compliment to the front-back plane of running!). I did low-impact cardio on the spin bike, doing back-to-back classes some days, switching it up between Recycle, Vélo-City & Soul Cycle. I did as much as I could without putting undo stress on my knee.

I returned to running after almost three weeks off and felt great. No pain, so swelling, totally healed. My first long run post-injury was 13 miles and I even got a new PR for my half marathon by four minutes (1:54)! A couple days later I went for a short 5-mile run and felt like I was flying. I was so amped to hit the rest of my marathon training hard.

LOLZ. Nope again.

Last week I came down with the worst cold I’ve had in a long time. I think it’s the crazy weather changes we’ve been having in Boston (20 degrees one day, 60 the next) because it seems to be going around. I felt so completely drained of energy all last week I could barely get through teaching my classes. I’d finish up and then have to immediately take a four-hour nap. There was no way I could have gone on a long-distance run. Luckily, five days of being sick is more like a speed bump than the red light my knee injury was, so it didn’t throw me off too much. I started to feel better by the weekend and on Sunday I went for my longest run of training: 16 miles. 

I’ve never run that far in my life, and completing it gave me the best high. I actually looked down at my legs at the end and thought to myself, you have the ability to run 16 miles, how fucking cool is that?! I said it out loud, too, which would explain the weird looks …

What got me even more excited though was how good I felt after the run and today. I’m not even that sore! I take that as a good indication my body is where it needs to be regarding strength and endurance, and that I’m taking enough time to stretch and roll out after workouts. Yesterday’s run gave me the upmost confidence that despite the minor setbacks throughout my training, I will be able to run 26.2 miles on race day.

Which is a damn good thing considering the upgrade to my running status I got a few weeks ago…

I’m Running Boston as a Guide!

When Andrea Croak from Team With a Vision told me that I, along with Heather Armstrong, would be guiding athlete Simon Wheatcroft, my first reaction was actually confusion. Simon is an ULTRA MARATHONER. He ran from Boston to NYC and then completed the New York marathon. I almost wrote back to Andrea: Hey I think you have the wrong number, this is Nicole, not Shalane Flanagan. 

After being reassured that, while Simon can probably run 700 more miles than me, my projected pace for the marathon is adequate, the significance of this opportunity fully sank in, and as cliche as it is, I truly do feel honored. It gives more meaning to the whole training process and I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the experience. Not only is Simon, who started losing his vision at age 17, flat-out inspirational (watch this video), but Heather’s blog dooce has been crushing it for fifteen years, a success to which I aspire with P&I. To say I’m motivated by my team would be a flimsy understatement, but ya know what, I’ve been up since 4AM so flimsy understatement will have to do.

If you’re feeling inspired, you can donate to my fundraiser for Team With a Vision benefiting the Massachusetts Association for the Blind and Visually Impaired HERE. All donations, regardless of size, fill me to the brim with gratitude.

Anyone else training for Boston? How’s it going for you? Biggest challenges so far? Advice to share? Let’s chat in the comments!